The fall after subspace… the dreaded subdrop.
((FYI: this is from my point of view and I’m a total rookie in the BDSM world – research and talk to someone who actually knows what they’re talking about before trying any of this yourself!!))
…continued from my previous Subspace blog post – click HERE to read.
Subspace to subdrop transition
When the sex ends the subspace continues to completely consume me. I am still totally incoherent but endlessly happy. I lay there and soak up every second of the ecstasy for as long as I possibly can… if i didn’t have to get up I think this feeling could last all day.
Eventually I have to force myself to start to snap out of it. At first I can’t stand up, my eyes are still rolled back in my head, and I can’t construct real sentences. I try to focus and start wiggling my toes and stretching out and start coming back down to earth. I am still in a state of total fucking utter euphoria that I cannot put into words. It feels like I’m glowing… like there is a warm golden layer of protection surrounding my entire body. I feel like my existence has no weight, like gravity doesn’t exist and there is no pain or weight on my bones. After a few minutes my eyes start focusing again and stop fluttering. I can see the room clearly again and see the cameraman that I totally forgot was even there. I sit up and try to play it cool and start talking to everyone on set again. I can’t stand up for another 15 minutes or so but I am ok with crawling everywhere during this time. My adrenaline is still rushing through my body and I feel fucking amazing and happy and reborn. Eventually I start functioning like my normal self and for the next couple of hours I am glowing. I go about my day and wonder if subdrop will catch up to me.
When subdrop kicks in it feels like the whole world suddenly stops and I start to crash. The adrenaline has run out and the overflow of endorphins that was just flooding my brain during subspace dries up and my hormones take a severe nose dive. It hits me like a train and I sit down and sink into my couch and become completely paralyzed. It feels like I have no life left in my body, like it’s all been sucked out of me and will never come back. I stare blankly at the wall or my phone and can barely move. I can’t even really describe what my body feels like because I can’t feel it at all. I try to move my limbs to feel if I hurt myself again during subspace but I can’t feel it yet. I think I sprained my toe having an orgasm but I can’t tell. I don’t really care. I don’t even know if I have thoughts I just feel extreme sadness muted by total numbness. The buzzing feeling is gone. The bliss is gone. I’m not in space anymore and I’m back on earth and I hate it here in these moments. I want to fly and float and go to the moon again. I want to lose myself in the euphoria again. I feel like I’m nothing. I’m afraid to breathe in because I cry with every exhale so I try to hold my breath and close my eyes and think maybe it’ll go away. I’ve been told I should watch movies and eat food but the remote is all the way over there and it’s so far and I can’t move. I try to order food but can’t find the motivation to think or make decisions.
I can feel my heart beat in my chest and it feels like it’s crawling up into my throat but I can’t even swallow to push it back down. People are texting me but I don’t really know what they’re saying. I just want someone to cuddle me and kiss my neck and make stupid jokes and tell me everything is okay. I want to feel something again. I want to go back to subspace and live there forever and never come back. I need a hug. I want to go back to my happy place.
After about an hour of this I can start to feel my body again. I can feel now that I did in fact sprain my toe, but even in this seemingly hopeless moment I still think it was worth it. I finally try to order food from Postmates but I still can’t think so I just scroll through 100 restaurants and don’t even pay attention to what it really says. I can breathe now but my chest hurts and I still feel nothing but at least I can feel my body and that’s a start.
Another hour of this passes and I am forced to move because the food I finally ordered is here. I find the strength to stand up and answer the door and eat my food that I can barely taste but it feels nice to be doing something. I put good music on and text my friends and they make me laugh and I slowly start coming back to life and all is well again.
Learning how to solve it
What I really need to do is learn how to prevent myself from dropping like this. I have been reading a lot of amazing blogs online about subspace and subdrop and how aftercare can prevent the fall. I know that if you get proper aftercare you can eliminate the drop, but it’s seemingly impossible to get aftercare when you experience subspace on a porn set. Once the scene is over I have to get up and do paperwork and pack my things and be an adult so there is no time for aftercare.
I just have to learn how to enjoy it. I am a really happy person most of the time but I find beauty and joy in feeling melancholy sometimes. Feels good to cry and listen to sad music once in a while. Plus, even the worst crash I’ve experienced was over within a few hours, so i just have to remember to hold on and ride the wave. I just need to learn how to love it. Next time I will be prepared and have food ready to go and a movie picked out so I don’t feel so lost when the subdrop comes.
Fuck you subdrop I will beat you!! I will never stop going to subspace. I will never give up on what feels good even if it fucking kills me. I live to experience the beauty and intensity of the extreme highs in life even if it means it’s followed by extreme lows. Living safely and cautiously in the middle seems worse to me than the consequences of extremes. I want to feel everything. I want to experience everything. I want to go to space even if it means I have to fall back to earth without a parachute. I will never stop chasing what feels good.
Has anyone been to subspace before and want to share your story with me I’d love to discuss it with you guys!! Does anyone have any tips for aftercare or subspace in general? Comment below!!